Now, how?

I am afraid. I am stepping on egg shells. I just crushed it, see? I wished I could just drop this awareness and be innocent again. But that is a luxury for those still living in the illusion. I don't have that. I carry this awareness around. This preciousness surrounding every moment makes you want your every move to count. It feels heavy sometimes. There, I just crushed one more. So I am left with transcendence. Which sounds obnoxiously daring. But it's the only thing left to do: going beyond the reality I ever thought possible. That is what I have to do. Now, I just have to figure out How.

~ from a letter to Bea - part 2.