So I lost it. I confess. I broke down. After I found something on my right breast, the doctor is ordering an ultrasound. It will be later today. I've been trying not to panic for the past three days, but I am failing miserably. I've been trying to fix it in my head. Day and night. I am trying to understand it in my heart. Day in, day out.
I frantically wrote emails. Some went to women who have "been there, done that". They all told me: "We all panic." "You are being proactive, just go and take care of it. That's all you can do". Other emails went to my musketeers. Men who I adore as brothers. They've shower me with their strength. And some emails went to my entourage. They will be escorting me throughout the day. I'll have a ride to work with a Starbucks drive-in included. Green tea to go, please. Another friend will drive me to the appointment. Others will be there waiting for me at the doctor's office along with Gene. How many people can you fit into an ultrasound room? We'll find out.
The irony of it all is that I've had 3 separate appointments with 3 different specialists. They found nothing. Ten days later, it is now a different story.
I'll tell you one thing: there's a lot of guilt passed around with a breast cancer diagnosis. The 1st guilt trip is to have created your cancer to begin with. I absolutely believe that every disease has a psychosomatic component to it. But I also know too well, that there are traumas way too deep. And Uncovering them can take too long.
And then comes the other guilt factor: "Well, well... when was your last mammogram?" "What about self-examination, why didn't you do that?" We could've treated it much earlier if you had done it, so..." Yes. A lot of doctors kinda blamed me for not having detected the mass on my left breast the 1st time. And here I am while me and my boobs have been scrutinized up and down.Nobody saw it.
So I am letting go. I am now surrendering. I can't control where this ride will go. Take me there. I am ready to do what needs to be done. Just like I got up and went to work this morning. I'll do what is asked of me. But, Panic. It ends now. The Guilt, too.