I thought I understood what "living in the present moment" meant...what "being in the now" was. When I was given my diagnosis I thought that was the lesson. And I said to myself: "So, that's what they meant about being present." In theory, I immediately grasped what that was. But the rabbit hole always goes a bit deeper, doesn't it?
It is only now, when I am about to step back into my routine, back to "my life" that the pretty understanding up in my head, has to become the down and dirty task of practice. And the difference is huge. There is this big gap in between the two. A Grand-Canyon-size gap. And I am standing right on the edge staring at it.
So, it is that wide, it is that vast the place you reach once you finally let go of the baggage of "not enough". And I am not talking about "not being enough" or the ridiculous version of "not having enough". That was lessons 101 for this cancer apprentice and I better fucking believe it by now. The practice of being present becomes a piece of cake after seeing it! And that rabbit hole was indeed much deeper than you imagined.
The "not enough" that is waving at me... "Can you see meeeee? I am all the way down heeeeere?" The "not enough" that I am squinting to see and I better not let it get out of my sight...Oh, ok, there you are! Is a very different "not enough". It escapes your hands and runs away from you, while the others "not enoughs" lay heavy on your shoulders.
This "not enough" is the realization that it will "never" be enough. No matter how many times I open my eyes and I am here with that light, that bird, that skin, that tartness, that note: it will never be enough for me. A thousand years would not be enough. Not even a million years would do.